For most of my childhood, money was always scarce. I don’t know whether it was actually the case or whether I just believed it was. I always felt bad asking for money or for stuff (anyone remember scholastics?!). $5 was a lot as a kid, but it bought a lot of stuff back then. It also meant that I was careful about what I spent my money on, and avoided spending money on myself. It also meant I tended to spend money on things rather than experiences, as things were a lot easier to quantify.
That hasn’t translated too well into adulthood. I became fixated on seeing my balance only going up. Everything needed to be planned out. Overspending this month meant I couldn’t spend much next month (or the next few months as was the case of my first car). While all these sounds like good habits to have, I was literally sitting on $20,000 worried over a few hundred. I was too worried to spend/invest that money.
In some ways that fear has served me well. I was able to buy my own place without any help. It was hard spending $40,000 that day, but it felt so liberating.
I am a lot better at spending money now (especially for things I need); but I still have challenges. I still have difficultly in spending money on things that make me happy. I will without hesitation spend an extra $1000 on paying down my mortgage (which is gonna last another 20 years regardless). But the amount of anxiety of doing the same thing for something I want? Ridiculous.